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December 2012

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DiHydrogen Carbon Trioxide

Far more insidious than mere DiHydrogen Monoxide is a comparatively recent development from the laboratories of numerous corporations both large and small.  DiHydrogen Carbon Trioxide.  H2CO3

 

DiHydrogen Carbon Trioxide is sold around the world without need of a license on the part of the end user and with minimal regulation in general.  It is transported and stored in various sized pressure vessels usually ranging in size from 6oz. to as much as 3 liters.  Other storage modes are also available, though less common.  By way of comparison, the displacement of the engine in my camper is only 1.9 liters.

 

It is said that the original compound from one of the world’s most prolific producers of H2CO3 contained cocaine, though company officials routinely deny this when questioned.  H2CO3 is routinely compounded with numerous other chemicals in an alphabet soup of laboratory produced unnatural vileness.  The mix usually comes out brown, though sometimes it turns a sickly almost glow-in-the-dark green.  Occasionally it appears clear and may be mistaken for water, except for the telltale bubbles that appear after the seal is breached on the pressure vessel it is contained in, along with the accompanying hiss of escaping gas as the pressures equalize.  Many people believe that the best H2CO3 to be had was that previously mentioned corporation’s original compound stored in the original 6oz. glass pressure vessel.  Most commonly it is sold today in 12oz. aluminum cylinders and 20oz. vessels made of PETE, though the 1 and 2 liter PETE vessels are also quite common.

 

Compounded in certain ways it can be used as a paint stripper and rust remover. 

 

Unbelievably, people around the world actually drink this stuff even though it is claimed by some to be addictive!  It is a known fact that ingesting this compound contributes greatly to the development of cavities and other forms of tooth decay in humans and may lead to obesity and eventually to diabetes. 

 

The much bigger problem with H2CO3 is that when you break the seal on one of these containers and allow the pressurized compound contained therein to return to ambient atmospheric pressure, a condition resembling the bends occurs as the CO2 off-gasses from the DHMO it has been compounded with to form H2CO3.  This CO2 then escapes into the atmosphere contributing to global warming.  Each time one of these pressure vessels is opened it releases yet more of this noxious greenhouse gas directly into the atmosphere.  The off-gassing CO2 can also attract mosquitoes, known to carry all manor of pathogens including Eastern Equine Encephalitis and even malaria, if the pressure vessel is opened out of doors.

 

If progressive politicians had their way they would implement a carbon-offset tax on each container of H2CO3 sold in the United States.  The powerful chemical lobby has thus far been able to prevent this totally useless tax burden from being imposed on unsuspecting consumers of H2CO3.

 

Instead of using CO2 some scientists have proposed using the much friendlier chemical N2O in the creation of a compound similar enough to substitute for H2CO3.  This would create a new compound called DiHydrogen DiNitrogen Trioxide.  H2N2O3 

 

It would no doubt cost the chemical industry millions of dollars to convert to using this new formula.  Some economists have suggested that the expense would cost many employees who specialize in the handling and processing of CO2 their jobs as they would likely be replaced by less expensive ‘guest workers’ who would be trained to handle and process N2O.  While the economic implications may be serious, the potential damage to the environment of not doing this is no laughing matter

 

Because of the reduced emissions of noxious greenhouse gasses, opening a pressure vessel of H2N2O3 instead of H2CO3 should bring a smile to everyone’s lips.

 

If we continue emitting CO2 - from whatever source - at the rate we are today, we may one day find ourselves crowded into tightly packed high-rise housing developments in the islands of Appalachia along the western shores of West Virginia overlooking the Bay of Ohio in the Gore Sea.  I, for one, don’t like that idea at all and I would speculate that the refugees from Ohio and other now submerged lands would likely feel the same.  With everyone crowded together in the densely packed cities that take up almost all of the remaining dry land there would be no room for such luxuries as baseball fields, playgrounds and soccer fields.  Think of the children!  Can you imagine growing up in that kind of Blade Runner-esque landscape?  This writer can honestly say that he’s glad to be of an age where he’s not likely to live long enough to see this outcome!

 

We must do all we can to prevent this nightmare scenario from coming to pass.  If not for ourselves, then for the generations to come. 

 

So each and every one of you must consider carefully the global ramifications of your actions the next time you reach for a diet soda.

 

 

 

NOTE:  Although very loosely based on some elements of truth, the above article is entirely intended as satire.  So don’t anyone go gitt’n any notions of banning my diet soda.

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